Darling, I love you, but I won't smile for you
by The Quaag
Summary: "Yeah,we can play a game to pass the time!"Fred/George said."NO,NOT ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR DRINKING GAMES!"Ron shrieked.The events afterward are mentally scarring.Crack fic,co-authors,slash,and language.You have been warned...


A/N: Hi! I'm sorry if there are people actually waiting for a new chapter in my story, Broken Blade, but my honorary sister, Harvey the Wonder Hamster, is here, along with my good friend (cough, cough-sib-cough-ling), Marysue MURDERER . We decided we wanted to write a one-shot together!

Oh, and we don't own anything.

The Quaag/narrator 1-normal font

Harvey the Wonder Hamster/narrator 2-_italics_

Marysue MURDERER-**Bold**

"NOOOOOOOO!" Harry cried out as he tried to open up the door. He, Ron, Hermione, Loon-ahem- Luna, Fred, George, and Ginny had been locked in here for being involved in a certain prank on good old Snape. Draco (that ass) was here as-

**ENOUGH WITH THE EXPLANATIONS ALREADY! NOBODY CARES IF THERE ARE PLOT HOLES!**

(OMG! YOU JUST BROKE DA FOURTH WALL! HOW DARE YOU!)

_You only lasted like…(checks stopwatch)….7.38 seconds..That's a record!_

(You were counting? You know what, never mind. On with the story…)

"Harry, it's no use. Just let it go." Hermione tried to calm him down.

"No! Why did I let Fred and George talk us in to it!"

" OH, go cry to your mommy now little Potty-Potter!" Draco sneered (that ass).

"It's not so bad-"

"Yeah, we can play a game to pass the time!" Fred and/or George said.

"NO! NOT ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR DRINKING GAMES!" Ron shrieked (and might I add, like a little girl).

_And the legal drinking age in Britain is… No? No one knows? Neither do I._

"No, no, Ronnie-kins. It's not a drinking game at all!"

"Although those are fun…" Fred/George said, ending each others' sentanses (as always).

**(And the beloved authors' fingers trip over each other as she struggles to find the correct spelling for the word "sentences".)**

(YOU KNOW WHAT! SHUT UP ABOUT ALL YOUR GRAMMER CRAP!)

**(You also spelled "grammar" wrong, too.)**

(I hate you...)

**(The feeling is mutual. Anyways-)**

"Oooo! I love games!" Luna cried out.

"What game is it then?" Hermione didn't look that convinced that it wasn't another drinking game.

"**It's called, "Darling, I love you but I won't smile for you". You have to flirt with someone of the opposite gender and try to make them smile-" **

"**And if they smile, they're it and they have to make someone else smile. But…"**

"**If they can say the line, 'Darling, I love you but I won't smile for you' three times, then they win, and you'd have to try to flirt with someone else."**

"**And if you can't make ANYONE smile, that means you completely fail at life and have to crawl in a ditch and die. Oh, and no tickling." **

"OKAY, LET'S PLAY IT!" Luna, again, cried out at an outrageously high pitched decibel.

"_Great! We'll start!" Fred and/or George go over to Hermione and take a few deep breathes before they start. Everyone else gathers around in a circle around them. One of the twins lay on the ground on his side in front of her, with his head in his hand. The other is looking at Hermione with his head in his hands, elbows resting on the table that she was sitting on._

"_Soo… Hermione…(he flips his hair) Would you like to smile for me, or do you want to something else…" He winked his eye in a really suggestive, flirty manner._

(Ahh! Bad mental images!)

_Hermione just looked at him, disgusted. _

"_Darling, I (cough-don't-cough) love you, but I won't smile for you." The twin currently on the ground just smirked. Then he replied._

"_But Hermione, " he said it in an almost whiney, but very huskey voice "don't you want all THIS." He gestured to himself. While he was distracting her, his counterpart walked around to stand behind her and put his cheek so that it was almost touching hers, but not quite. He then proceeded to whisper something in her ear that made her cheeks go red and a smile cracked out on her lips._

"_YES! WE WIN!" The twins high-fived. _

"_Oi, Fred! What did you say?" Ron practically yelled, sounding really pissed off._

"_Oh, nothing…" They both answered, grinning like idiots _**(which they are).**

While they were talking, Hermione thought about who she was going to try to get to smile. She picked the ass we've all come to know and hate.

"Ooohhh, Draco…" Hermione attracted everyone's attention. She was crawling over to him on her hands and knees, looking almost cat-like. "Would you like to smile for me? Pretty please?"

"That won't work on me," Draco replied with his usual sneer.

"Oh, and why not?" Now she was sitting across from him, with her hands placed on both sides of the couch he was sitting on.

"Because I'm not straight." He said casually. From the back of the room, Ginny yelled "I knew it!"

"Oh! Then let me try!" Harry jumped up and went to Draco. He hopped up on the opposite end of the couch, laying down on his stomach with his hands propping up his head. His feet were swinging in the air. "Draco… Smile for me, pretty, pretty please?" Harry was practically batting his eyelashes.

Draco moved forward so his face was just inches in front of Harry's.

"No." He stated before kissing him (which, I'm gonna add anyways, Harry enjoyed WAY too much).

_I'm going to have nightmares…_

**You and me both…**

"Ewww, get a room!"

"GINNY, COVER YOUR EYES!"

"Harry, I didn't know you were gay."

"Umm… Gross."

"BUT HARRY, I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!" Could all be heard at the same time. (if you can review telling me who said what, I'll dedicate a one-shot(of your choice) to you!)

After a minute of them making out, everyone figured that they should just pick someone else.

"So, who's turn is it?" Ron asked.

"It's still Hermione's turn." Fred and George answered in unison.

"…**alright. Hey, Ron. Will you please smile for me?" She batted her eyelashes seductively. **

"**DarlingIloveyoubutIwon'tsmileforyouDarlingIloveyo—"**

"**But Ron! I thought you loved me. If you really, really, loved me, you'd smile for me," Hermione pouted.**

"**DarlingIloveyoubu—"**

"**R-ron… I c-can't b-bel-lieve th-that y-you w-won't s-smile f-for m-me…. I th-thought th-that y-you r-real-ly l-loved m-me… I-I…"She started tearing up.**

"**Hermione! I'm sorry! Of course I love you! I'll smile for you, okay? See? It's okay now, you don't have to cry!" He cracked a smile and went over to comfort Hermione.**

_He is __soo__ whipped!_

**Hermione turned to the twins.**

"**And you guys say I can't act."**

**The dynamic duo exchanged glances.**

"**That doesn't count. Ron is the most gullible fool alive. He'd believe us if we told him that the Jets won the Quidditch cup." At this, the retard child in the Weasley family looked up.**

"**Really? Well, I suppose that since they've been doing so well this season…." Hermione stared in disbelief at her mentally handicapped boyfriend.**

"**Point taken. Okay Ron, it's your turn."**

(RON! You're such a PANSY!)

_Does he even know who the Jets are! You know what? Never mind… this is RON we're talking about._

**Anyways, on with the—**

*attempts to steal keyboard and fails epically*

**No! My keyboard! If you want it, you'll have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands!**

Okay! *stabs Marysue MURDERER to death*

**You seriously think it's that easy to get rid of me? I CANNOT DIE! I AM- IMMORTAL! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! That's right, I am KIRA! I am GOD! The world is MINE! I will take a potato chip-AND EAT IT! !**

_I think someone had WAAAYYYY too many Happy Pills… *chuckles nervously*_

**-ahem- *regains composure* Sorry 'bout that Death Note reference. If you don't know what Death Note is, then you're unwelcome here you retarded noobs! Leave and come back when you have read every single word on every single page of every single volume and have watched every second of the anime! …..Anyways-**

Ron contemplates the plan that has formed in his head to make someone smile. Now he just needed a victim…

"Oi, Luna."

"Yes, Ron?"

"Could you smile for me?"

"Darling I love you, but I won't smile for you." Luna replied calmly, not smiling. Now, Ron kneels on the ground on one knee.

While this is all happening, Harry and Draco have stopped making out and have taken to gazing at each other longingly and holding hands. And in another part of the room, Ginny sits in a dark corner, **(slitting her wrists) **mumbling something that sounds suspiciously like:

"But I thought… Will kill that ass…. Harry, you do love me!…. Of course I love you Ginny…. Draco will pay…"

But that, of course, doesn't sound crazy at all.

In other news, Luna still hasn't smiled yet, but has only said the line once… Ron was still on one knee, and it looked like he was going to ask her to marry him.

"Luna Lovegood, will you do me the honor of smiling for me, please? I promise to love you forever if you would just SMILE for me, is that so hard?"

"Darling, I love you, but I won't smile for you." Luna still hadn't smiled. Yet.

"But, Luna, please-"

"Ron, darling, you know I love you, but I just can't smile for you…" Ron's eye twitched. He looks at Fred/George.

"Does that count, it can't possibly count!" Ron looked frantic. "She didn't word it right!" The twins looked at each other.

"Nope, Ronnie. It counts." Ron looked like he was going to cry.

"You have to go do someone else."

"Ummm…. It looks like Ginny is having a mental breakdown, so who could I do?"

_That sounds so wrong._

(Eww! You perv!)

**You two are so immature…. Everything is sex with you, isn't it?**

(What? She said it. I just told her that she was a total perv!)

_I am not!_

(Ya rite! You so are!)

_No, not a __total__ perv._

**Will you two old ladies stop your bickering and get back to the story!**

_What! You're older than me!_

(And ME)

**Story! Back to the story, people!**

"So… You could try to get us to smile-"

"Yeah, no one has tried us yet." They said, ending each other's sentence.

"Which one of you?"

"Both!" They said cheerily.

"What! But that is soo unfair!"

"Look, Ronnie, do you WANT to be forced to crawl in a ditch and die?"

"Umm… No, thanks, I'm good."

"Then just do both!"

"Okay, here I go…. So, guys, do you want to be the best big brothers EVER and smile for me?" The brothers spoken of exchanged worried glances before nodding and…

Both of them smiled really, really, REALLY large.

"What was that! That was way too easy!"

"We're sorry, Ron, but it was just-"

"Too…"

"Suckish?"

"Terrible?"

"Pathetic?"

Everyone chimed in with ways to put it, causing Ron to get a deep blush on his face.

"It wasn't really that bad, was it?" Ron looked to everyone for an answer. They all either looked away, nodded, or, in Hermione's case, snicker a little before realizing that he was looking at her and then got very interested in the ceiling.

Ron, again, looked like he was going to cry.

"It wasn't that bad, in my opinion…" He mumbled to himself…

"Yes, it was." They all chorused together.

There was a random silence.

Ginny was still in the 'emo corner' slitting her wrists. Ron had gone to join her. Fred/George got bored and started playing with fireworks and accidentally set a chair on fire. Harry and Draco started making out again.

Ginny found Ron another knife and stood up with her knife. She then went over and started chasing Draco, trying to kill him. Harry was yelling "My Draco! Don't hurt my Draco!". Hermione and Luna found a lamp and started throwing it around, and using spells every once in a while. Then Ron found a cage of rats and let all of them go, saying "Be free!"

_Be free, my pretties! Be free! *cackles evilly*_

**All of a sudden, VOLDEMORT appeared all of a sudden and he started being all VOLDEMORT just because he is.**

"**Harry! I am your father! Come to the dark side, Harry! **_(We have cookies!)_** Together we shall rule the galaxy—erm… I mean the wizarding world-as father and son! BWAHAHAHAHA!"**

"**Nooooooo! I'll never join you! Never! You're no father to me! Adavara Kadavara!" The spell is off by like, fifty feet.**

"**How dare you, you ungrateful child! I will cut off your hand with my lightsa—I mean, magic spell—for that!"**

Because Harry's spell misses, it kills Ron and a few of his rat followers.

"**No! Ron!" Hermione, who was just casting a spell to make the lamp levitate, screamed for her beloved. Now, the lamp started to dance around the room, but got pissed off by a rat and started to chase it around the room in an attempt to kill it.**

By now, all could hear Ginny's constant yellings of "DIE!" and Draco shrieking at her attacks.

Fred and George are attempting to put out their fires, and failing miserably. 

Then, Snape, still with his hot-pink (**why does that feel like that's been done before…) **neon hair , apparated into the room in the freaky death-eater way. He then took Ron's knife and started to slit his wrists, crying out "Lily…" every once in a while. Then he began to hear a mysterious ticking noise….

**Then all of a sudden, Dumbledore kicked the door down.**

"**What the hell is going on here?" **

"**Headmaster!"Ron exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" Hermione looked at him.**

"**Ron, I thought you were supposed to be dead."**

"**I don't know. This story is full of retarded plot holes."**

**Dumbledore looked at the scene. Feorge and Gred were attempting and failing to put out a fire. A lamp was running around and trying to kill one of the several rats running around the room. Ginny was trying to kill Draco yelling something about "her Harry". Freaking VOLDEMORT and Harry appeared to have battled to the death, realized they couldn't kill each other, got depressed, made up, and were now playing pattycake. Snape was being emo in a dark corner mumbling about Lily. Luna was silently observing and didn't make any effort to stop the chaos. Hermione was being excited about Ron, who, apparently, was still alive.**

"**I'm never giving them detention again."**

A/N: This was kinda a screw up one-shot, but hey, we had TONS of fun writing it.

_Kinda? We epically failed. It started off kinda good but then…..well, we got a little bored. This is the end result._

**Just to let you know, the game was my idea. I am the master of it. I was also the person who said, "LOOK! A GRAMMATICAL ERROR! WE CANNOT LET IT GO UNFIXED!" And anything mildly epic or semi-funny was all my idea. Oh, and I'm not a homophobe. I'm just not into it much, that's all…. **

WHAT? LOTS OF FUNNY THINGS WERE COME UP BY ME AND HARVEY OVER HERE! (jeez, you're always so full of yourself….)

_Well, at least your modest… That's sarcasm people in case you didn't notice. Don't listen to Mary. She has had about thirteen happy pills, twenty yellow pills and at least thirty different antidepressants in the last hour._

**I had some pretty good comebacks, but the last time I tried typing them in, I started a war. Anyways, if you've read this far, I thank you for not abandoning our fail attempt. **

Yep! Please review! Oh, and check out my story 'Broken Blade'.


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